and some stories that I thought were good included
A Professional
A woman was getting a pie ready to put into the oven when the phone rang. It was
the school nurse: Her son had come down with a high fever and would she come and take him
home?
The mother calculated how long it would take to drive to school and back, and how long the
pie should bake, and concluded there was enough time. Popping the pie in the oven, she
left for school. When she arrived, her son's fever was worse and the nurse urged her
to take him to the doctor.
Seeing her son like that -- his face flushed, his body trembling and dripping with
perspiration -- frayed her, and she drove to the clinic as fast as she dared. She
was frayed a bit more waiting for the doctor to emerge from the examining room, which he
was doing now, walking toward her with a slip of paper in his hand. "Get him to
bed," he told her, handing her the prescription, "and start him on this right
away."
By the time she got the boy home and in bed and headed out again for the shopping mall,
she was not only frayed, but frazzled and frantic as well. And she had forgotten about the
pie in the oven. At the mall she found a pharmacy, got the prescription filled and
rushed back to the car . . . Which was locked.
Yes, there were her keys, hanging in the ignition switch, locked inside the car. She
ran back into the mall, found a phone and called home. When her son finally
answered, she blurted out, "I've locked the keys inside the car!" The boy
was barely able to speak. In a hoarse voice he whispered, "Get a wire coat
hanger, Mom. You can get in with that." The phone went
dead.
She began searching the mall for a wire coat hanger -- which turned out not to be
easy. Wooden hangers and plastic hangers were there in abundance, but shops didn't
use wire hangers anymore. After combing through a dozen stores, she found one that
was behind the times just enough to use wire hangers. Hurrying out of the mall, she
allowed herself a smile of relief. As she was about to step off the curb, she
halted. She stared at the wire coat hanger. "I don't know what to do with
this!" Then she remembered the pie in the oven. All the frustrations of
the past hour collapsed on her and she began crying. Then she prayed, "Dear
Lord, my boy is sick and he needs this medicine and my pie is in the oven and the keys are
locked in the car and, Lord, I don't know what to do with this coat hanger. Dear
Lord, send somebody who does know what do with it, and I really need that person NOW,
Lord. Amen."
She was wiping her eyes when a beat-up older car pulled up to the curb and stopped in
front of her. A young man, twentyish-looking, in a T-shirt and ragged jeans, got
out. The first thing she noticed about him was the long, stringy hair, and then the
beard that hid everything south of his nose. He was coming her way. When he
drew near she stepped in front of him and held out the wire coat hanger. "Young
man," she said, "do you know how to get into a locked car with one of
these?"
He gaped at her for a moment, then plucked the hanger from her hand. "Where's the car?" Telling the story, she said she had never seen anything like it -- it was simply amazing how easily he got into her car. A quick look at the door and window, a couple of twists of the coat hanger and bam! Just like that, the door was open.
When she saw the door open she threw her arms around him. "Oh," she
said, "the Lord sent you! You're such a good boy. You must be a
Christian." He stepped back and said, "No ma'am, I'm not a Christian, and
I'm not a good boy. I just got out of prison yesterday."
She jumped at him and she hugged him again -- fiercely. "Bless God!" she
cried. "He sent me a professional!"
A story about a good attitude toward Life
Read this, and let it really sink in...Then choose how you start your day tomorrow...
Jerry is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant.
The reason the waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.
Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?
"Jerry replied," Each morning I wake up and say to myself, Jerry, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood.
Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it.
Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.
"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.
"Yes it is," Jerry said. "Life is all about choices. When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice.
You choose how you react to situations.
You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood.
The bottom line: It's your choice how you live life."
I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter, I left the restaurant industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in a restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gunpoint by three armed robbers.
While trying to open the safe, his hand, shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination.
The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.
I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins. Wanna see my scars?"
I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.
"The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door," Jerry replied.
"Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or I could choose to die. I chose to live."
"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked.
Jerry continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a deadman'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked.
"Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said Jerry.
"She asked if I was allergic to anything. 'Yes' I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Bullets!'
Over their laughter, I told them, 'I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead'."
Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude. I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully. Attitude, after all, is everything.
There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer,
a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of
the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.
The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to
trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineeer, not knowing much about
cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere.
Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion, "Why don`t we close all the windows, get out, get back in, open the windows again, and maybe it`ll work !?"
A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way."
The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?"
The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear."
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are interchangeable."
A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater.
As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?"
The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"
This was in the "Bob Levey's Washington" column in
the Washington Post. Every year he compiles and prints the "Best T-shirts of the
Summer":
1) (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and the Lawn Won
2) So many Men, So Few Who Can Afford Me
3) I Suffer Occasional Delusions of Adequacy
4) God Made Us Sisters, Prozac Made Us Friends
5) If They Don't Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain't Going
6) At My Age, I've Seen It All, Done It All, Heard It All... I Just Can't Remember It All
7) My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
8) I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
9) (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
10) If It's Called Tourist Season, Why Can't We Hunt Them?
"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"
"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."
"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher.
A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his chauffeur, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.
Then one day the chauffeur approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening's lecture. The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the chauffeur handled himself remarkably well. When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked, "Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?"
"That is an extremely simple question," he responded. "So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do."
HOW YOU CAN TELL WHEN IT'S GOING TO BE A BAD DAY
1)You wake up - face down on the pavement
2)You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
3)You see a "60 minutes" news team waiting for you in your office
4)Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
5)Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
6)You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
7)Your twin sister forgets your birthday
8)You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then you realize you don't have a waterbed
9)Your carhorn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of hells angels on the freeway
10)Your wife wakes up feeling amourous and YOU have a headache
11)Your boss tells you to not bother taking off you coat
12)The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard
13)You wake up and your braces are locked together
14)You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business
15)Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife
INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out of INTEL's(TM) Microprocessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.
Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released. The Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and electonic engineering. This newly developed organic microprocessor outshines the previous generation.
The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory, 1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch than the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.
The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several
flavors: Standard for the generic PC, Bar-b-que for those engineers and scientists who
need an extra kick, Cajun for secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it,
Sour-Cream and Onion for the very low end user, and Low Sodium for the laptop market.
Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be released for the Very High End
Computing sector. The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and supercomputer
systems. The chip will have a slightly modified shape, color, and will be stackable. This
project is code named Pringles(TM).
Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip. Industry insiders believe that the marketing hype for the Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown. Motorola's(TM) new chip is just too late and too underpowered compared to the Intel processor. In addition, the Tortilla(TM) is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip and is based upon a very different technology.
On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11 Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong we the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind," were televised to earth and heard by millions.
But just before he reiterated the latter, he made the enigmatic remark "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky." Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American Space Programs.
Over the years, many people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good Luck, Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Flordia, while answering questions following a speeh, a reporter brought up the 26 - year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, so Niel Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
In 1938, when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit the ball, which landed in his neighbor's yard by the bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leanded down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky: "SEX! YOU WANT SEX! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
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This page created by: David Crocker
This page was last updated on: Tuesday, July 03, 2007 09:43 AM